Fear

I fear that my corner of the internet will become diaries of my downfall.

I fear that these friends will turn against me like the others did.

I fear that everyone is laughing at me behind my back.

I fear that this place will turn me into a shell of my former self.

I fear that I will die alone.

I fear that this test will conquer me.

I fear that God might forsake me for what I did.

I fear that it's too late.

I fear that I have failed too many times.

I fear that I have disappointed everyone around me.

I fear that I will never escape this rut.

...and yet I still have hope

that everything will be okay,

that I will be alright,

that I will be happy, content, healthy, smart again,

that I will stop being a pity,

that this rut will end,

that I will do great things again,

that I will stop being the worthless asshole I have become

and that this me dies forever. Never to be seen again.